I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.