Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college