She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!