if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard