if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard