I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?