Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
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That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
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I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.