Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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