You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died