Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows