He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.