I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.