I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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