She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.