Will you blow on my dice?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
