i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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