I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.