when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If You LOL At These 18 Tweets, You’re Probably A Terrible Person
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If You’re One of These 12 Restaurant Customers, Your Server is Definitely Spitting in Your Food
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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