Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
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Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job