If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"