Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.