I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid