the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
