There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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