it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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