totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
