He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I didn't notice because vodka
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
