im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
