Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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