I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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