Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
