A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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