I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
