I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
