She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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