Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Who died my cat blue again?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
