well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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