You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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