I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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