summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
