Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
