I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
