He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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