That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
