Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
