Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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