Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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