Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
