i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
