I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
