The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
