I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
