When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
