That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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