Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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