Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
