You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
