If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The uberlube is also flammable
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
