We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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