I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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