No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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