I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you didnt know i had herpes?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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