had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
