she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
my poor anus
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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