So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
